How to Put Yourself First Without Guilt or Explanation
There's a funny thing that happens when you start choosing yourself.
You decline an invitation, make plans for yourself, or decide you no longer want something you once thought you did. And suddenly, you feel the need to explain.
I promise I'm not being selfish.
I've just had a really busy week.
I hope nobody's upset with me.
Sound familiar?
Learning how to choose yourself can feel surprisingly uncomfortable, especially when you've spent years being the reliable one, the accommodating one, or the woman who makes room for everyone else's life but herself.
But here's something I want you to remember: choosing yourself should be fun, too.
Yes, there might be uncomfortable conversations and old habits to unlearn. But there's also an entire world of things to discover about yourself. Your interests, your curiosities, your favorite ways to spend a Sunday.
Who said personal growth had to be so serious all the time?
Putting Yourself First Isn't the Same as Being Selfish
Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that being a good woman meant being an agreeable woman.
Be helpful. Be understanding. Be flexible. Don't disappoint anyone.
And while thoughtfulness is a lovely quality, it becomes a problem when being considerate of others means consistently forgetting about yourself.
Choosing yourself doesn't mean ignoring commitments or dismissing other people's feelings. It means recognizing that your preferences deserve consideration, too.
You can love people deeply without making yourself an afterthought.
And there's research behind why this matters. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion suggests that treating yourself with kindness can create a steadier foundation for self-worth than relying on achievements or other people's approval. Her research also shows how self-compassion can support the motivation to grow and try new things—not because you're trying to prove you're good enough, but because you genuinely care about yourself.
And isn't that a much lovelier way to approach becoming the woman you want to be?
If you're curious about how self-awareness can become meaningful personal growth, I explore that relationship further in Life Coach vs. Therapist: What's the Difference?.
3 Ways to Start Choosing Yourself (And Enjoy the Ride)
1. Get curious about what you actually like
Before asking everyone else where they want to eat, what they want to do, or how they think you should spend your weekend, ask yourself first.
What sounds good to me?
Try the restaurant you've been curious about. Take a pottery class. Spend an afternoon wandering through a bookshop.
Consider it research into the very fascinating subject of you.
You don't have to be good at something to enjoy it, and not every experience needs to make you more productive.
Sometimes having fun is reason enough.
2. Stop explaining every little decision
Have you ever said no to something and then delivered a five-minute explanation complete with supporting evidence?
You can be kind without negotiating against yourself.
Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm going to pass this time.
That doesn't work for me.
A respectful answer doesn't always require a courtroom defense.
Imagine what you could do with all that energy you usually spend worrying about whether everyone understands your choices.
3. Make plans with yourself worth looking forward to
Here's a question I love asking women:
What would you make more time for if you didn't feel the need to justify enjoying it?
Maybe it's a solo breakfast, an afternoon at a museum, or finally wearing that dress you've been saving for an occasion.
Make the occasion.
Put something on your calendar simply because it sounds wonderful to you.
The point isn't to become a more impressive version of yourself. It's to become better acquainted with the one who's already here.
A Little Challenge: Give Yourself a Vote
For the next seven days, before making one everyday decision, ask yourself:
What do I actually want?
Am I choosing this because I want to, or because I'm afraid of disappointing someone?
What's one enjoyable way I can honor my preference?
You don't need to overhaul your life. Start with something small, and notice how it feels.
Choosing yourself isn't one grand declaration. It's a relationship you build through hundreds of little decisions.
And I'd love for you to have a wonderful time getting to know the person you're choosing.
Get to Know the Woman You're Choosing
It's difficult to choose yourself when you haven't spent much time discovering who you are.
Your values. Your interests. The things that energize you. The kind of life that genuinely excites you.
That's why I created The Inner Edit, my 30-day private self-discovery coaching challenge. It's an invitation to get reacquainted with yourself, explore what makes you you, and begin designing a life that feels like your own.
Because choosing yourself isn't just about learning when to say no.
It's about discovering everything you want to say yes to.
With all my love,
Katherine
Yeay Day Life Coaching
Comments